Review - Humko Deewana Kar Gaye

I was reading the Box Office verdicts for various movies and was pleasantly surprised to note that 'Humko Deewana Kar Gaye'(HDKG) had a good opening. This is the first movie I have seen on a 'First day First show' mode and I naturally feel quite maternal about the movie.

Last weekend after much protesting by Z, we all landed up at the theatre. Everyone agreed that when five people are in a boisterous mood, one must ignore good stuff and stick to the kind of movies that makes you aspire to high levels of wit.

HDKG did not fail to amuse. As S put it, Akshay Kumar and Katrina Kaif look like Ken and Barbie. They both obviously go to the gym. And when they are not in there, they must be at some beauty parlour. Bipasha Basu also looks like a regular at all these places. The one person who does not is Anil Kapoor and not surprisingly he looks like someone exploded dynamite near his face. However, he realises this towards the end and successfully draws attention away from his face by wearing golden shoes for the last half-hour of the movie.

To begin at the beginning. Akshya Kumar (AK) has something to do with automobiles. This is good because the producer a recovers a healthy part of the movie's budget through in-movie product placement of Toyota Corollas. AK is engaged to Bipasha Basu (Bips). Bips is a fashion designer who is keen on having a good professional career and hence refuses to let AK kiss her because she wants to postpone having a child. (Hey before we get judgmental about how young minds watching such movies will get the whole process of having a kid wrong let us remember that most religions advocate that at least a few characters were born through Immaculate Conception). AK is sent to Canada for something to do with cars and there he meets Katrina (Kats). Kats is the quintessential Bollywood rich girl who spends all her time shopping. AK still frustrated about not being kissed by Bips, spends the next two hours romancing Kats and trying to get her to kiss him. This process is involves a series of boring scenes with clichéd characters speaking inane dialogues.

Sample:

Kats: So I will see you at 6 tomorrow

AK: No.

Kats: Why?

AK: Because I will be there at 5.30

Kats: He he he (Laughing like the tinkling of a thousand glasses. All empty)

Audience: Gag

After two hours of such dialogues, circumstances force the duo apart, providing the audience some relief. Kats is scheduled to marry her rich fiancé Anil Kapoor in Mumbai. AK and Bips have also now come back to Mumbai. Their paths cross at Kats wedding function. And here is where the director makes the leap from boring to tedious. Even a retarded six-year-old just being started on a diet of Hindi movies knows that Kats and AK have to get together in the end. So the director keeps us on tenterhooks as Kats gets married to Anil Kapoor (gulp) and gets into the nuptial chambers (gulp gulp). However all is well that ends well. In a scene lifted straight out of Crash, AK manages to save Kats from burning to death in a car (How? How? How did she get there from the hotel?). Like a true Bollywood..oops..Bharatiya Nari, Kats still does not take matters into her hands and waits for pati dev to do something. Anil Kapoor realises that the longer the climax prolongs, the longer the audience gets to watch his golden shoes and proceeds to break Kats' Mangal Sutra and says 'They are made for each other'. Bips not to be outdone finally marks her presence on the screen by coming up with the silliest comment ever 'No. They are mad for each other'.

The end.

Salman Can

Salman Khan has broken his silence in the black buck case. Defending his actions, the actor claimed that he had really been aiming at the director of the movie, Hum Saath Saath Hain, which was being shot – ha ha no pun intended – at that time. When incredulous media persons asked him if he was sure, Salman retorted ‘Dude. Have you seen the movie?’

Renowned psychologists have admitted that Salman could have possibly been suffering from a reverse Dick Cheney syndrome where you mistake animals for people and shoot them by mistake.

Salman further claimed that he could not see why killing people would pose a problem. Infact this notion was reinforced when he did actually manage to kill someone later on. The public may recollect the time he got away with running over a person in front of a bakery shop in Mumbai. “I would have been more careful if I knew the damn black buck would get in the way”, he was quoted as saying.

Police personnel when contacted admitted that Salman had a point given the mounting number of suspects who get away with killing people.

Review of 'The Name of the Rose' - Umberto Eco

To use a cliché, this book is the educated man’s ‘Angels and Demons’. It is set in 13th century Europe and centres around the mysterious killings of monks in an abbey. An English ex-inquisitor and his novice come down to the abbey to investigate the murders. As the duo set about playing Holmes and Watson, the reader is treated to a rich background on the state of Christianity at that point, the factionalism in the Church and the politics of Europe. There are also lots of interesting diversions into topics as varied as ‘what is religion’, ‘who is a heretic’ and ‘what is love’.

The book runs its course through a one-week period. This is an important point in the abbey’s life because a meeting between emissaries of the materially inclined Pope and one of the Franciscan brothers who has been preaching poverty, has been set up. The meeting is important, as it will define the very sphere of influence of the Pope. The abbey itself is neutral ground but the murders will cast a shadow over the Abbot’s authority to manage the abbey. A shadow that everyone can do without at that crucial period. The abbey also has its own mysteries, especially the famous library, which harbours various books that are not permitted to be seen without permission. (The description of what the books contain alone will get any avid reader thirsting for such a library). The library becomes a central point, holding the key to the murders. Eventually the murders are solved, but at a great cost. Meanwhile, the meeting between the two adversaries maps out the political course of history as the book ends.

The book is one of those where you need to get past the first fifty pages. Then it takes some shape and becomes very interesting. You are eager to get to the end to see what is driving those murders but you also want to be patient enough to allow the author his pontifications on various topics and detailing of history.

This is also the kind of book where you are kicking yourself hard for not having paid enough attention to European history during high school. It would have definitely enhanced one’s appreciation of the book. However, not having the benefit of such knowledge does not in anyway detract the pleasure of reading the book.

Not a book to be read in one sitting. But definitely a good read.

Review - How Opal got kissed, got wild and got a life

I picked up this book randomly at a book fair. The choice was limited but being a book lover I could not bear the thought of not buying even a single book in a discount sale. It seems now that the choice was not so bad after all.
The book is about an ABCD high school student, Opal Mehta, who is keen on getting into Harvard. Her typically Indian parents have been planning for her admission into Harvard from the day Opal was born. When unforeseen circumstances change the parameters on which Opal would be judged for her Harvard admission, the unbeatable Mehtas draw up a fresh plan of action. The book narrates incidents pertaining to this new plan and predictably ends with Opal getting into Harvard.
The book is a nice breezy read. It falls under the category of Chick-Lits and sounds like any other popular one. Which is a big success in itself since the story does not stand out like a half-baked painful crossover saga which is what one would have expected. Instead it reads like the story of a normal ABCD kid about to enter college in a country which is home though most of its citizens may not appreciate Diwali or Biriyani. Expectedly the book does have its cliches and stereotypes. Reserve it for a day when you are in the mood to watch ‘Clueless’ or ‘Legally blonde’.

The Eyebrows

The first time I realised that eyebrows are key areas to be beautified on the facial map was when I read a Tinkle comic. The comic used to have one page on facts from around the world and described how women in ancient Egypt used to grind pearls to apply as eye shadow. Accompanying this fact was the drawing of an Egyptian queen with perfectly arched, thin and neat eyebrows. A quick check in the mirror revealed that my eyebrows did not meet any of these three features.

However, as the old jungle saying goes 'You become a woman when you are willing to undergo the pain of shaping your eyebrows'. So it was many years later that I emerged from a dingy beauty parlour, red-eyed from the tears that sprung unbidden when the beautician, with loving attention, plucked all eyebrow hair lying outside the magic shape she had planned for my brows. I was delighted by the new clarity in my face.

Shaping eyebrows is a regular part most women's lives. But I don't think many realise the absolute importance of this activity. The lady with the tweezers can decide what expression you will have for atleast two months of your life. I remember a professor from college who had two perfectly shaped eyebrows - one with a sharp arch and one more rounded. Both looked beautiful individually but together made her look like she had a squint. Numerous hours were spent in my Costing classes debating whether I should alert her to the fact. Eventually in the interest of retaining my scores, I decided not to offend her vanity.

My own experience has been none too great either. Once I looked inquisitive for two months thanks to extremely sharp arches. Another time, I looked sweet and gentle. My mother loved this look but I felt it lulled people dealing with me into a false sense of security. I may not be sweet and gentle but atleast I warn people adequately about what to expect. There have been days when I have had expressions of curiosity, eagerness and deep depression.

The best example I can give of someone's eyebrows changing their looks is Karishma Kapoor. Oh boy! If anyone needed to shape her eyebrows, it was she. Thick and bushy, they made her look exactly like her dad, Randhir Kapoor, and you kept wondering how she could see clearly with all the hair hanging over her eyes. Eventually she got them shaped and went on to act in several hit movies (If you thought it was the 'Sarkailo Katiya' song that launched her career you are quite mistaken).

If you have not shaped your eyebrows till date, do it. Opening your eyes after your beautician is done, looking into the mirror and figuring out what expression you are going to have for the next two months of your life is certainly an experience. As Calvin’s dad would say ‘It builds character’