Lunching with a baby

Check the profile of the other guests.

If single/couple with no kids and likely to write bitchy blog posts like this, then hire a baby sitter and leave baby behind. Everyone has adult conversations and a good time.

If parents and bringing along their toddler, then by all means take your baby along.

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Sit down and exchange pleasantries.

Baby gets antsy

Look totally in control and announce to the others that you are just going to rock your baby to nap and then toss him into his stroller where he will sleep uninterrupted till the end of the meal. Base your analysis on the previous lunch outing when baby did exactly that

Recollect steps from last time and proceed to follow them exactly.

Step one - Take baby outside

Step two - Walk around a bit with him.

Step three - Baby to start putting his head on your shoulder. Notice baby not doing his bit. Notice baby swirling his head left and right, fascinated by the events on the road

Give up. Bring baby back inside.

Try to get back into conversation.

Baby gets antsy.

Continue conversation and pretend that you are not standing in your place, rocking an increasingly loud baby and are hovering over the heads of other guests.

Eagerly hand over baby to a grandparent who is willing to rock him to sleep.

Five minutes later grandparent brings back sleeping baby.

Look totally in control and take baby

Put baby in stroller

Baby wakes up and gets antsy

Rock baby back to sleep

Put baby in stroller

Baby wakes up and gets antsy

Repeat

And again

And again

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Decide to hold the baby in your hand and let him sleep there

Watch food come.

Watch everyone else tuck into yummy looking mutton sukka, prawns, masala puris and fish biriyani

Start dribbling worse than the baby

Hand over baby to baby’s dad and tuck in.

Dad passes baby back and tucks in

Repeat

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Baby wide awake and starts dribbling looking at the food

Produce a box of steamed carrots for baby to chew. Proudly wait for other guests to 

remark how astonishing that a seven month old can eat by himself.

Notice other guests are uninterested in your baby feeding himself

Baby helpfully tosses half the carrots on the floor and most of the rest into his clothes

Try to attract attention of other guests when baby chews one tiny piece

Notice other guests are still uninterested

Force other guests to watch a ‘really interesting’ video of your baby eating prunes. (Maybe they prefer a video to the live version?)

In return be forced to watch photos of fancy dress party of their toddler

Call truce

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Baby and toddler eye each other. Take multiple snaps of them together

Watch toddler show off her ability to open and close doors

Notice other patrons in restaurant are not impressed by your baby’s antsy wails, his carrots tossed on the floor, the toddler blocking up the doorway, the constant walks everyone at your table takes while accompanying a child outside

Notice that you have started talking in 30-second slots the way you did when you used to watch TV and there were ad breaks.

Notice you did not have a single complete conversation.

Notice that you don’t really care and are just glad to be outside eating a good meal, sitting with your family and friends.

Notice how times change.